Love, Life, Death, Dealing

All the news about Jade Goody dying has really...well upset me I guess. It's really made me think about my own mortality and of those around me I love. I realise I've actually had a really easy life not coping with any death...and keep finding myself assessing a hypothetical situation where someone close to me dies. And I hate how I know I will feel. But I continue to live in this stupid bubble like a child, who is ignoring death and dealing with loss because it's too scary and heartbreaking to think about. And all it does is take me back to the one time that I lost something special to me. That break up is the only thing slightly comparable to death. How sad is that? Only, I was so crushed and devastated; and still not able to get over HIM even today...nearly two years since he dumped me. But all the feelings towards him after it ended are the only things to draw reference from to discovering what it could be like to loose someone to death. And all that is only made worse as people keep managing around me to bring Portsmouth up into a conversation lately (it's where he grew up, and where the ex girlfriend he has now got back together with lives). And for some PATHETIC reason, I hate hearing any word that reminds me of him in the slightest. And that's when I realise, I'm NEVER going to get over this guy. Is it like death; you have to carry it with you for the rest of your life? If so...it seriously sucks. But of corse love is different. I mean, he's not dead (to my knowledge), he's happy and moved on with his life; and doesn't want me so I don't want him. However, thee's forever a part of me that still cant let go and has to carry that pain of losing him around.

Life sucks; to conclude. It really does. I mean, we wake up, get on with a lot of rather pointless or avoidable eraands, then go back to sleep only to get up and carry on with the same routine. What is the point of our existence other than to just live and have a load of torturous things happen to ourselves to try and miserably comprehend. We're all just animals; nature's evolution from a beautiful and pure living green and blue ball that spins in an axis. Ultimately, our existance serves no real purpose, yeah okay, we help each other, learn grow and evolve...but we all die cause we're just energy. Sometimes, I just look at a bug on the ground, and wish I was the same. At least a bug doesn't have to deal with money, bullies, devastating diseases and love, life, death and dealing. It just exists because it's supposed to and gets on with it without making everyone else's existence more painful.

We should all just be bugs, crawl along the earth, emotionless, harmless and simple. Least then when we die; we dont get dragged through a whole load of emotionally stressful and trecherous cr*p.

I'm such a happy go lucky person. :)

Almost died, DIED I tell ya!

So, today I decided that I would go to Craig's so Amie could get some pictures of me for her uni work. Its only 2 miles up the road from mine, so figured that what with the roads being quite nicely clear now, it would be fine. So I drove to his after having to jump start the car (the car decided that after 5 days of not using it, it would hibernate). I got to Craig's and after 20 minutes, heavy snow started to fall. Gutted, me Amie and Katie made arrangements to quickly get home, so Amie got her photos done, and i got a few done for my work (not that it was any use seeing as Photoshop refuses to load my RAW format...grr!). And I had the worst shortest journey ever home. I had to slam down on the accelerator to get the car out off the side of the road, and then skid and slide all the way out onto the mainish road. I havent driven in proper snow before, so was taken aback by how the car wouldn't turn the corner, and got the shock of my life when the car swerved into the other lane. I pulled myself straight, got to bearings with what speed to stick at and how far the wheel would turn, when I got to the roundabout. And yet again, as I took my right turning off, the car simply refused to turn and I almost careered straight into the left hand side of the roundabout. I continued like this for a while, and wanted to cry! I got home, but couldnt make the sharp right turn to my parking space, and nearly hit the neighbours car. So I parked up on the side of the road, got out and made Dad park!

Sorry, but snow isn't worth dying over! I'm meant to be at a hair salon tomorrow in leighton buzzard, but we're forecast more snow, so I'm debating at what point to text the photographer I'm working with and say I'm whimping out. Believe me, I know it's silly to put life on hold over it, but now I've been out in it, I really don't ever want to again cause next time I won't be so lucky to have next to no cars on the road and I'll get hit by some other idiot in the least.

So there's my snow adventure for today! I really don't know what I'm gonig to do tomorrow yet; even if the roads have cleared, who's to say it wont snow that badly while I'm in Buzzard?? Nooo thankyou, much rather be indoors. Boring, but safe!!!

Photography

Here is the link for my new photography blog,, Bloomed Photography . Got a few kinks to work out stll, such as I need to start posting in RAW cause JPG is just PANTS ;). Also, I really want to start making my own website, I just dont know how :/

It's been snowing since last night; and I'm not looking forward to going to work in it! Have been at home, reeling from a bad dream still and trying to do some work for uni. Most of it is planning really, and thankfully I have gathered what work I want to do photography wise, and just need to crack on with the written stuff. College should be closed tomorrow as it's meant to snow all week; and I dont want to drive to great linford in this weather to see mates as I'm supposed to, so at least I will have another whole day to get cracking on with stuff.

Saw Revolutionary Road yesterday at Cineworld; and I really enjoyed it. The boyf hated Kate Winslet's character, who was this really unhappy woman who wanted to change her life and have something more; and so kind of took it out on the husband. I understand in all its entirety, yet the boyf didn't. Is it just me; or is it a male/female thing? I just totally understood why she took it out on him and how she felt.

Wednesday I'm hoping to go see a lighter film than this one; as it was quite heavy hearted. And Bolt seems like a good choice when it comes out on Friday! I'm a big kid deep down.

Right I'm off to read a book I jsut got in the post, "Simulacra and Simulation" by Jean Baudrillard. I've wanted to read this for ages! Happy snowman building everyone!