Love, Life, Death, Dealing

All the news about Jade Goody dying has really...well upset me I guess. It's really made me think about my own mortality and of those around me I love. I realise I've actually had a really easy life not coping with any death...and keep finding myself assessing a hypothetical situation where someone close to me dies. And I hate how I know I will feel. But I continue to live in this stupid bubble like a child, who is ignoring death and dealing with loss because it's too scary and heartbreaking to think about. And all it does is take me back to the one time that I lost something special to me. That break up is the only thing slightly comparable to death. How sad is that? Only, I was so crushed and devastated; and still not able to get over HIM even today...nearly two years since he dumped me. But all the feelings towards him after it ended are the only things to draw reference from to discovering what it could be like to loose someone to death. And all that is only made worse as people keep managing around me to bring Portsmouth up into a conversation lately (it's where he grew up, and where the ex girlfriend he has now got back together with lives). And for some PATHETIC reason, I hate hearing any word that reminds me of him in the slightest. And that's when I realise, I'm NEVER going to get over this guy. Is it like death; you have to carry it with you for the rest of your life? If so...it seriously sucks. But of corse love is different. I mean, he's not dead (to my knowledge), he's happy and moved on with his life; and doesn't want me so I don't want him. However, thee's forever a part of me that still cant let go and has to carry that pain of losing him around.

Life sucks; to conclude. It really does. I mean, we wake up, get on with a lot of rather pointless or avoidable eraands, then go back to sleep only to get up and carry on with the same routine. What is the point of our existence other than to just live and have a load of torturous things happen to ourselves to try and miserably comprehend. We're all just animals; nature's evolution from a beautiful and pure living green and blue ball that spins in an axis. Ultimately, our existance serves no real purpose, yeah okay, we help each other, learn grow and evolve...but we all die cause we're just energy. Sometimes, I just look at a bug on the ground, and wish I was the same. At least a bug doesn't have to deal with money, bullies, devastating diseases and love, life, death and dealing. It just exists because it's supposed to and gets on with it without making everyone else's existence more painful.

We should all just be bugs, crawl along the earth, emotionless, harmless and simple. Least then when we die; we dont get dragged through a whole load of emotionally stressful and trecherous cr*p.

I'm such a happy go lucky person. :)