Two anniversaries and One revelation

I stalled my car today on a busy busy dual carriageway. I also got shouted at in a message by an angry person on ebay. I accidentally knocked the toothpaste off the window sill straight into the open toilet. And yet I've still had an interesting day in a good way.

Yet again, I spent another day of half term working for a few hours, then coming home to my invalid mother (sh had a bunion-ectomy so cant walk) to waste the rest of the day. I should be out taking photos for my FMP (final major project), or starting my creative journal, or reading one of the 6 books that are waiting to be read on creative photography, photoshop and digital cameras. But I love laying back into bliss, being able to ignore those things and just relax with my mum. But I seriously now need to kick my arse into gear; I have life way too easy and it's not fair on anyone else.

So today I emailed the guy I know who does photography. And have landed myself my first day of work experience at a wedding next Friday. I'm bricknig it, but it has to be done. Once I pass that nervous unfamiliar threshold it will all be worth it. Only 13 more days of work experience needed to pass my foundation degree!

And I took a trip to Asda tonight to buy a journal for my "personal development" log. I have to write about my career, what makes me tick, what I want from life and how I'm going to get it. I got top marks last year when I did it whilst the 30 other people on the FD courses all pretty much sucked big time. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's reflecting on myself so of corse I'm going to ace it. :P

I saw my ex today, the "big" one, the one that changed my life you know the guy. And I know Darren didn't want me to, but we always see Saw together so we went to see Saw 5 today.

I saw him downstairs as I waited at Cineworld, my heart raced, I couldn't breathe and I thought about running away and never contacting him again to explain. But I froze to the spot, determined to see it through. And I did. I listened patiently in the queue as he told me about the ex he was getting back with. The ex he was with for 4 years a few years back. And I found myself not jealous or upset, but laughing inside my head at how stupid he was being. For this woman dumped him, cheated on him, told him he was a waste of space, not that good looking and that she didnt fancy him that much. I remember when he told me whilst we were still together, and thiking how could this woman not love this man like I do? But whilst I felt this mockery inside me, I also found myself somewhat sending my blessings. I didn't want it to not work out. I found myself not really giving a toss about this man at all.

Yes I loved him beyond words could describe. He was everything to me and a little bit of me will always be with him. But this man isn't right for me. We are so far apart I can breathe again, knowing there's no regrets, no real feelings I used to so passionately have towards him at all. And I'm so relieved that I did meet him, and found this out. Yes, he's a massive chapter in my life and I do wonder often how if he had loved me enough where we would be now. But I like where I am, and I dont think I'd appreciate it as much if I hadn't met him today. :) I was flattered and touched that he thought about us on Monday, as it was two days to the day that we met. It made me feel a little sad, but grateful that he doesn't completely want to bury what we had in the sand. That was nice.

To top it off, it was mine and Darren's 6 months on Tuesday, oddly enough. I didn't see him yesterday, it's not that big a deal to have done something (me and the ex didnt!) but it's kind of a big milestone for me. The ex dumped me a few days after our 6 months, and that was the best relationship I had ever been in. The guy I was with for a year barely counts as I dont feel anything towards him at all other than he's a total scumbag who deserves to drown in a vat of acid. I want me and Darren to last, go thorugh all the shiiite together and come out stronger on the other side. We've had our problems; or should I say I've had my problems!

Relationships dominate our lives so much, I do sit and wonder sometimes why. Theres loads in life to enjoy, yet we still beat ourselves up over meeting a partner and maintaining a monogomous relationship...I have some rather deep thoughts on that but maybe I will save it for another day in case it offends anyone whilst I've not thought the wording thorugh enough....

New York, Love and Faith

It's been a long time since I've sat down and reflected in written word, and I've somewhat been having withdrawal symptoms; waking up suddenly and kicking myself for not documenting things. What if one day I forget the most significant things in my life? What if someone never finds out that I am somewhat significant in the world? I need to stand out a little, and write things down so my life is in existance in this small way.

So I will just skip the boring stuff, and revel in the brilliance that was the trip to New York.

It was more magical and stunning than I ever imagined it to be. The shuttle bus ride to the hotel put me off BIG time. The streets looked uninviting, grimey and rough. To my horror I thought to myself "what have I done, this place sucks!" We eventually got to our hotel, probably the very defining moment in my life where I've realised I'm at last independent, and somewhat completely alone in the world in that second. It's a thrilling feeling.

Me and My Love went for a walk after finding our room and buzzing from the excitement of living together for a whole week completely alone. And suddenly the streets weren't quite as scary. It however wasn't until the next day when we explored New York for a full 13 hours that I could have orgasmed over the beauty of the city, and the absolute buzz and blood rush I experienced in being there and witnessing the sights that beholded.

I want to go back. So badly. Back to 5th Avenue and Broadway, back to the quiet little area we stayed in right next to the gorgeous Central Park. I really miss it so much. The independence, the shops, the sights and the feeling I got from being there. I still wake up some nights, feeling really not at home here, wishing I was "back home" in New York. I still sit in the bath here, and get a sudden jolt; remembering my nightly bath in New York, how peaceful that time of night was, and the utter relaxation I felt. I dont feel relaxed anymore. All my troubles were washed away for a bit. Now it's back to reality.

What really made the whole holiday perfect was being with Darren. We got so much closer, I got so much more comfortable with him; and it had to be the best thing I've done for a birthday in a couple of years. This time last year I was a mess. Now I'm 20, I have ambitions to travel the world, a perfect guy on my arm who I love more than I could have ever expected to. Life is good. It's okay. The rough and bumpy bits that are coming; are at least FINALLY not so scary; due to me finally feeling safe with Darren to know he will stay by my side. After all that pain, all those horrible problems HE left me with. I can finally trust again. It's scared me to think how much Darren loves me. As I sit and think to myself that the love I see he has for me; I never quite saw in HIM. HE was and always will be the first love of my life. But Darren; he's my hero; and we were meant to be as he only came to me 10 days after my world shattered. I asked the Goddess so many times to send me someone who could show me what it's really like to be loved beyond your heart can sometimes take. And it might sound silly to anyone else, but I think she heard me; I think that he popped up when he did to show me a lot about myself. It took a year; a whole year of so much confusion; but he's with me. 6 months, and I'm at the point in the relationship where it all went wrong with HIM. I thought I was safe; and when that day hit that I realised you cant ever be totally safe with someone no matter how much you think they love you, it all changed and I vowed to never be naieve again. To always stand guard and be aware. I still have that instinct, HE programmed it into me. But I see how different they both are, how different the love is. And only something truly meaningful and horrible can break this.

I saw a guy in the street today. Who looked like HIM in so many ways. I didn't want to; but my brain took over. I "knew" in my head it was him. I panicked, my thoughts froze, my eyes focused and my heart went mental. It was actually fear I felt, seeing this guy with a girl, smiling and this pain just hit me so goddamn hard from nowhere. I looked at the mousey hair, and realised it wasn't the shining blonde and brown it should have been; and the pale eyes weren't the stunning blue ones that my brain thought were there. It wasn't HIM, and in that instant of realisation; I was thankful it wasn't HIM. It was like waking from a bad dream to find that none of it was real, and that you and the people you love are safe. Even though I was relieved it wasn't HIM; I still went quiet and dwelled for 10 seconds on how much my heart would have been destroyed if it was him. If it had been HIM...I just knew that feeling of pain would have blown me away, and I would have hid instantly, my brain would have shut down and dwelled in that horrible moment it all ended. I cant bear to ever see him again. It hurts too much. I hope I never do because today I learned that no matter how much time passes, even after 17 months; you can still hold a torch for someone. And it's all swept under the carpet when I dont see him or speak to him. My life is perfect and I'm blissfully in love and the happiest girl alive. That man only brings me sorrow now, and I really dont deserve to have a break down so with any luck, one of us will move away really far then the fear of seeing him can finally go away for good.

Uni starts Monday, and it's met with a bitter sweet feeling. I'm excited to be going back, learning new things and meeting my resolution to work hard and achieve results. But suddenly; mixed with the fact I turned 20 last Saturday, it's hit me that I have to make some choices. WHat am I going to do after the course? I have no idea. It scares the hell out of me, it's gut-wrenching.

But a little bit of fear is good. It keeps you on your toes. Plus now I have this sudden new spiritual realisation that something is reacting to my prayers and my feelings because of Darren coming to me when I most needed him. Life; like my terrible plane journey home from the USA; has it's turbulence. Some parts are more turbulent than others, last longer and seem like it's never going to pass. But it always will when you have light in your life.